This message comes from our Ambassador in Peru:
We have received further reports from the front-lines in our war against llamas:
When will Obama send reinforcements to save these brave lads from the llama-hell that has engulfed them?
WHERE ARE YOU OBAMA?
- Llamas are one of the oldest creatures in the fossil record. Ancient llama bones have been found intermingled with dinosaur bones, and this has led some palaeontologists to theorize that the cause of the mass dinosaur extinction might be due to llamas … no way to know for sure.
- Llamas account for 78.9% of all accidental deaths in America, each year. 99.4% of all people will be bitten by a llama at some point in their lives. The saliva, of the llama, carries 3.5 million different kinds of germs … each one gooier and grosser and more messed up than the last.
- Llamas can walk 4,300 miles without food or water.
- Llamas have excellent hearing.
- Llamas can spit 55 feet and their saliva contains a concentrated acid more powerful than that shit that bled out of that alien thing in the movie “Alien” … just be careful of their demon spit.
- Llamas were foretold, in the bible – in revelations.
- Llamas can see you … at night … they are probably watching you right now.
- More people are killed by llamas, worldwide, than by nuns high on cocaine.
- A llama can live to be 300 years old.
- If you ever asked a llama what their favourite musical group was, well … they would say “CREED”!
- The male llama desires busty human women, to mate with … and he prefers a nice local craft beer … IPAs mostly.
- The llama brain contains 6.7 trillion neurons – each one containing 55K axio-dendritic connections. A llama can process image information 67 times faster than a drunk human – so stop your drinking.
- Llamas, despite their devilish ways, have an excellent sense of humour and levity — despite their thirst for human blood and their craving for human flesh.