My periodic flake-outs …

I’m currently VERY lucky …

I have an employer that understands that … every so often … Uncle Dan “flakes out” and needs a break. I endeavour to fit these little bumps into our PTO model, but honestly they don’t fit perfectly. I also still produce good work – maybe great work – but I try not to tempt fate with the path of hubris.

I don’t hate software engineering, arguably, I still enjoy it. But, and this must be stated, my desire to “produce” to maintain the current illusions that infest America like phantasms from a horror movie? – well … I’m not really into “that” any longer. Fuck that …

I do not want charity …

I’m also willing to accept a level of poverty that most of my peers would shun.

(hell – look how I moved back to Indianapolis, only that which would fit on an AMTRAK ride)

So, yeah – I don’t have a lot of “stuff” these days … (and I’m ok with that)

I live by a very simple principle, when it comes to material things:

If I can’t use it, and don’t intend to, then sell it or give it away.

Does that seem anti-American?

That I don’t want to “buy a lot of crappy shit” for the sake of “buying shit”?

Or, maybe – it’s authentically American …

Whatever – I don’t work to stack shit I never intend to use.

So, I did flake out this week – and unlike other corporate environments I’ve been in, my boss understood. My boss saw the value in my work, and rewards it via more than just salary or “benefits” – he rewards my work by understanding that I’m not a robot …

Sorry President Obama – I’m not a robot. I’m not simply going to carry the weight of every lazy American. If there will be “laziness”, it will be mine – so I can ensure the sloth is being done correctly.

Who knows – maybe the world economy is “recovering” … I doubt it … but whatever …

Until the magical utopia arrives, I will work as long as I can, while I can …

And I will be grateful that there are still managers that aren’t sociopathic ass-holes.

So, I’m going to Seattle tomorrow, for an unscheduled visit with “old friends”.

(and family)

(and weed)

(and this is ok too …)

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Letting go …

I had a very disturbing dream about my ex-wife last night.

It wasn’t that original of a dream. She was with someone, happy, laughing, fulfilled, in love – and that person was not me. I don’t know if I were a spectre hovering over that reality or a participant. It’s hard to label this dream as a nightmare, but it wasn’t pleasant – and anxiety is usually not strongly coupled with happy dreams.

Mere fragments of that dream remain in my awareness, but I wondered – why was I anxious?

If I ever loved her, I should hope she is happy and not alone. Take it from me – loneliness stinks once you get used to someone being there.

And even though I was technically “the one dumped”, I really can’t judge her for that either.

Truly, my marriage failed primarily because of my actions, or inactions, during a rough time in my life. I could have responded to death, professional failures, and other things in a more courageous, optimistic way – but I didn’t. I mostly retreated, mostly hid. I’ve been horrified by America, more and more, since 9/11. After the 2008 financial crisis, America has become the waking nightmare – a pathetically mediocre slave colony bent on world domination via war and intrigue. Add to this a dead sister, a dead mom, and too much weed – and you end up with a hermit who eked out about $50K/year for 3 years in a row (half of what I could have made, mostly due to absenteeism).

I screwed up every anniversary we had, and I could never explain to my ex-wife why …

Perhaps I never really understood myself, but there’s something about the springtime that is off-putting to me, and that is the time of year we were married. Whatever – I could have been better at managing those years and being a better husband – I sucked as husbands go.

I used to think well, “I’m supportive, I listen”, and that was true. But she wanted to embrace the world – warts and all. I saw the warts and was not too keen on the “embrace”.

So the dream from last night is disturbing and maybe the message is simple – “keep moving on Dan, you are healing, healing is painful”.

I am healing and I am lucky to have a job where I am not judged for being “weird” – a true luxury these days.

I am trying to forgive myself and I am learning to forgive others – to the extent that forgiveness is warranted and desired.

I’m not all the way to “I’m over her” yet – but closer each day.

I won’t give in to beating up the ex, because that would be historically inaccurate and crummy besides.

I’m not completely “ok” – but I’m exercising, eating better, smoking a lot less weed, and drinking very little. I’m losing weight, but I don’t have a scale – because that too is a counter-productive enterprise.

Letting go of the past is hard for many people, extremely difficult for me …

(but I have no choice)

(the past slips further backwards – each day)

(I want to move onwards)

(take advantage of the years I have left)

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